Show the way.

Maybe i'm just mad at myself. The way she said it. I know i'd always compare her to her. But that didn't stop me from doing it. I'm mad at myself. I treat her as if she is my sister. Always taking care of her. But i know i've said things done things that always hurt her feelings. I'm sorry. Really am sorry. Mad at myself for doing all those things to you. I never meant to. It's just me. And sometimes i just can't be who i am not. But i promise you this. I will change. People change. And that's what i'll be. Don't worry about all those things. Know that i'm always here for you. I've scarred you deep being someone you thought you can count on. I'll treat you right this time.

While watching Angus, Thongs and Perfect Snogging, i found myself watching a chick flick again. It's not wrong. It kinda feels right sometimes. Watching hopeless romantics dwell in their own drama. Love. I thought to myself. If 2 people are meant to be, then do we have to be with every girl we fall in love with to find out the One? All we just have to sit there and wait. Cause if it's meant to be, we'll really be togather right? I'm not sure how Love really works. But i recently found out that decisions you make change what's coming to you. Maybe here i'm typing this word, but if i typed a different type of word it may change the course of the future.

Enrolling into Classical Music in Melbourne Uni, i dono if i will like it. But the 1st week was alright. Really alright. Everything was okay. I can't compete with the classical musicians. They were ready. Ready to take on classical music while i'm still stuck. I dono if i will be what i thought of. I researched on academies, institutes, colleges to find my course. I found a lot. A lot. But then reputations was unknown. I'm still gonna try. Maybe it was meant to be? But if it's not meant to be. I'm still gonna try to find out.

I'm not sure. I'm so confuse with myself. So many signs pointing to let go. So many voices. So many thoughts. But my heart as strong as it would be, keep holding on. Why? I do not want to do something to upset her. I lied to myself knowing that if i let go, you're going to do fine. But i know letting go is the most hardest thing to do. So many people asking me to let go, asking me you can if you try. I tried. Seriously i did. Maybe it's just unfinish buisness i still have with her. She was so cute when she got headshot. I never see a girl playing cs reacted so big.

Hold on to me, sweet Jesus. Never let me go.

You are the strength of my life, Lord. It doesn't matter what may come my way.

Grown up.

Every Sunday morning when i wake up, i've gotten used to hearing my father's voice talking to my sisters in the kitchen. My mother doing her stuff in kitchen. Then i realize, i'm waking up in my apartment in Melbourne. Life, huh? It's so unpredictable.

Orientation week was what i expected. Musical. When the Mr. Ian Holtam asked us to go on stage to play the 3 grand pianos he was so proud of, my heart jumped. Beating so fast just like everytime i see her. I played and i came down, and i kind of liked it. It was like it was something i was meant to do.

I know myself. I know what i like, i know who i love. I want to be a song-writing, music producer. And my dream to become this I told Mr. Ian Holtam. Then he said: " Whoever told you that Melbourne University was of pop songs? We are all hardcore classical musicians and we are proud of it." So many things running in my head that time. But only two faces appeared, my parents. I was confused, mad at myself. I was in the first time in my life hating myself. The first thing i did when i came out of the office, i called my mom. And you know what she said? She asked me to find a better school. One that suits me. Doing things i want. Then something clicked in my head. I am blessed. I without a doubt have a mom that no matter what wants me to be happy. And because of this, i was more angry at myself than i ever was.

I walked and my legs guided me to Carlton Park to the place where me and her dance. I thought a lot of things that day. A lot. I spent 2 hours over there thinking to myself; What had i done? What am i gonna do? If i'm gonna go somewhere else, i have to start fresh. Accommodations, school fees, friends all were inside my head. My parents are gonna waste so much money on me again. What had i done?

Then i thought, what if this were all meant to be? God wanted me to come here for a reason. Going into Melbourne Uni for a reason. Enrolling myself into classical for a reason. Should i stay? Classical is the foundation of all music. If i go on for 3 years, enduring classical wouldn't that make a difference? If i stayed for classical i can still go to song-writing in other places. Being a man, and be responsible for the decisions you made. I enrolled in classical not because i don't know what Melbourne Uni has to offer but because I know that classical can helped me later on with life.

Life is so unpredictable. I never thought this would happen. How would i know where will i be few months later. I never thought i was gonna be in Melbourne till i was 17 years old. Then this year going to 19, where? I laughed at myself.

If i change places, I can't get to see her. I have so much to say. So much to tell. I doubt that i can find anyone more beautiful than her. My friends here, i just settled in. I'm at war with myself! But Carlton Park calmed me down. I glanced at the place where me and her dance, and pictured that night. I would like to relive that moment. Innocence with goodbyes so hard to say. And it holds me back.

I went back and celebrated Tan Ying's b'day. And i realize i have a life here in Melbourne. I have friends here. But that did not stopped me to think that i can start a new life some where else. I have a feeling. A feeling that Melbourne will treat me well. Where there's something here that's holding me back. It maybe her, my friends, the University, the apartment. But i just hope i don't regret. My new year resolution that i made was: Don't make anymore regrets. Please don't regret it. So, i'm gonna try.

Waiting.

Ever get the feeling that time just pass by so fast. Deleting my phone messages, there was these tonnes of message i saw between me and my friends. I miss those times and to think it was a week ago, Dunstan texted me to go pick him up. Its just been a week, and i sort of adapt to the new apartment. In my mind, i'm ready to be an adult. I just can't wait to move on with life.

Going back to Albert House that Valentine's Day, I remembered. I remembered so many things. Memories just flow into me with every step i took inside that building. I stood outside T9. Now currently occupied by 2 girls. Then there was this Indian guy, and 2 pairs of twins. Drama was meant to happen with so many people living in Albert House. And i was never into Albert House's drama. But i love the people inside especially my gang. How we used to talk everything inside T9. Then i stood outside Gary's room. That room brought me peace. I remembered 4th December, 8.00am, I read that letter she gave me in his room. With tears flowing down while i read it. My mind going through with what she said. 'Go with the flow, kay?' That letter meant a lot to me with those cute handwritings.

Wao. I'm going to University. Wao. I'm already 19 and going to Melbourne University. That day during orientation, i was introduced with all those music subjects and i thought to myself, 'Are you up for it?' I'm scared or nervous. I don't know if i have that talent inside of me but all i know is that i don't want to disappoint my parents. I guess that's what keeping me to go on.

Watching Ghost Whisperer, this song was just repeating inside my head. Beautiful is what i should say.

'Don't lie and say that it's okay.

It's alright if nothing's more to say.'

-Midnight Hour

I over-think on Valentines Day. But then the best decisions are made without thinking. And with her, i always over-think stuffs. Some i regret while some were the best moments in my life. I was about to tell her. Tell her to give me another chance. I was day-dreaming about that moment. But then she asked me: "Who is your valentine?" "No one. Who is yours?" " Him."

That feeling. Heartbroken. And seeing how happy she was when she said Him. I changed my mind and decided not to tell. She deserves to be happy and that's what i want her to be. And because of that, i shall write what i wanted to say:

Dear Pei Ern,

I'm sorry. Sorry for not keeping that promise i made. I just can't forget you. That 2 and a half months, i've been keeping myself busy but at the end of the day before i close my eyes, the last thought i have will always be you. I know that feeling you have towards me are long gone now, you found love in someone else. And i know that you're sad behind that smile of yours. Just know that i'm always here and always will be. I admit i'm kinda stubborn not wanting to let go. It's just that you're perfect. I actually complimented my heart for making me fall in love you. Cause you're what every guy wants. I never regretted loving you.

With that beautiful smile of yours that captured not only my heart, that elegance you have when you're thinking, that smell of yours that i can't seem to find else where, that bravery you held during those hard times. Everything about you is beautiful, don't change that.

Love,

Russell

I doubt she will ever hear me say that. But for now, my love just have to slow down. As i would always do: keep myself busy and at the end of the day hoping you're smiling while you're asleep.

This time again.

I never liked Goodbyes. After all this time, i'm still not getting use to it. Haih. But life has it's way of getting into your way. That sometimes i don't even know how i ended up here. It's something that only we ourselves got caught thinking of ourselves: 2 and a half months, was it that short?

I remembered touching down Kuching, and my dad took me for Kolo Mee. And here i am now, going to Melbourne in about 6 hours. 2 and a half months. It was really worth it. It was really what i expected, a bit over i may say. But thank you. Thank you for everything. I never doubt myself for not having this much fun in Kuching.

Thank you Angelina, like i said you are always there for me. Going back to Melbourne, you and i both know is not what i want. Bringing back all the pain that i'd been avoiding all these months. But you helped me ease it up. You helped me smile. Thanks. And thanks for the cake you baked for me. Haha. It was really chocolatey. No worries. I'm not in the toilet begging for mercy. Haha. Memories we both share that no one knows. And i know that you're gonna find someone that you can talk to. I'm not gonna be online 24/7 u know. Hes' out there. Take care.

Prit. HAHAHAHA!! I HAVE SO MUCH FUN BECAUSE OF YOU! Remember Remember I reversed on the road just to take a picture with the bunny. It was really.. stupid. But i never regretted doing it. OH OH!! And the honking throughout the streets waking up the whole Pwo Kwong Park? Hahahha. I will never ever forget that night. Never. Thank you. You too was the one who made Kuching so exciting. Made me laugh everytime we two made contact. You made me happy.

When i was wishing for that moment, your face just appeared. I had mix feelings for this. My mind has trained itself to put you aside. My heart had just getting use to you. It's just i don't want this to happen. Not when i'm about to go back. Then i looked at those faces. These are the ones i should put in my wish too. Take care.

Every airplane i see, i always wish for that same wish. 11.11 too. Blowing out dandelions, Birthday candles. It's always that same wish. Everytime i wana find feelings i think of you. Cause you given me every inspiration of which i yearn for. Knowing you're getting happier, makes me stop worrying sometimes. You're strong. I know you don't see it yourself. But from what i see, you going through all those emotions and still smiling. Over-thinking and still made those decisions. That's the part of you that i really like. Don't lose that. When you're feeling like the world is just not fair. Take a deep breath. Think how far you've come and i know you can go through it just like you went through all those ups and downs in the past. :)

Remember that summer, we dance in the park.

Round and round we spun with itching on our legs.

Remember that walk we had towards the front door.

With laughters and smiles, i'll never forget.

Go with the flow, i did but it just stayed the same.

And to top all off, i wonder why it came.

Imaginations i built up in my head,

Worrying is what it is, stop thinking so much again.

Cause when i see your smile,

i'll try to find a way to freeze time.

I pray and i pray for you to be fine.

And this made me close my eyes.

That one wish that i made for me,

Gave me hope that i'm still smiling.

How have you been, girl? Are you still that same girl?

I admit i miss you so,

But that's all it will ever be.

I'm fine, i'm very fine, i'm just singing out my soul.

What a fool i've been, not knowing to stay cool.

You found love in someone new, someone who can make you smile.

I just hope he tells you that you're beautiful, everyday.

Cause when i see you smile,

I'll try to find a way to freeze time.

I pray and i pray for you to be fine.

And this made me close my eyes.

That one wish that was made for me,

gave me hope that i'm still smiling.

How have you been girl? Are you still that same girl?

I admit i miss you so,

But that's all it will ever be.

- Russell Hee

Goodbye Kuching. Memories that i only have. Melbourne, welcome me back.

These Hands, His Love.

And it's been so long since i blogged. And it's been so long since i written down my feelings. But for this post i dedicate it to that two special people.

I know you miss me. And don't say i don't mention you in my heart. But i don't like breaking promises i made. Ian Teh. You're smiling right now aren't you? I'd just written like 5 sentences, my hair is already standing up. But it's okay, a smile is all i ever wanted. Wao. You read my blog. And i thought my blog is one that nobody reads. That night when you told me, that you actually miss me more than my hands, then i thought back to all those times. But then you and me, we are not different. We are just lovers lost in space. Found love in that special someone, fell head over heels over girls that we thought about everyday, written songs hoping that it was meant to be, in the end singing out it was the end. When you told me your story, i felt like we two are facing the same ending. Sad it was. But sometimes, what doesn't kills us makes us stronger. My hands are now kind of rough. Been carrying a lot of heavy stuffs lately. And you're telling me you're going to Sydney. I admit my hands are going to miss that guy who fell for them. That guy who showed me that no matter what everyone thinks how gay it was or how disgusting it was, he still kept on holding on to them. And i know why, cause it makes you happy. Who wants to let go to something that makes them smile automatically. It's not the end, Ian Teh, we are only 19 this year, you and me letting go of the past, writing songs as we go on, and once you know it, you be holding my hands once again. :) And i look forward in making music with you, my music needs a lil bit of indie. Haha. And this quote i give you :

What happened after last summer,

When we broke up in September.

I haven't see you , feels like a long time.

Sometimes it still hurts, but i always get by.

I still got a piece of you under my skin,

It's always there no matter where i've been.

So if i ever see you on the street, I'll pretend that i didn't see.

And turn my face, no use in small talks anyway.

Because if i look into your eyes, then i'll have to say goodbye.

And that i'll break my heart, so I won't even start.

I wish you luck and i wish it true,

That's the best i can do for you.

Cause you'll probably find love, in someone new.

I have to let go, it's hard to do.

So if i run into you with your arm by his side,

Just know it will cut me like a knife.

- David Choi

This, Ian, would be the song i wanted you to listen. Some move on faster while some heals at a slower pace. Got to stop thinking of 'What might have been' and start with 'What should have been'. Know that there's still more than this. :)

The second part is to my bestest best friend who's been there for me throughout this 2 months. Time goes by fast without us even knowing. I have so much to do. I still don't want go back. Here is the place where everything that happened in Melbourne pauses. It may still hurt but there's still that air that makes it peaceful. And that happened when i'm with her. Thank you. Thank you just for being there. You may have doubts that you're not doing good, and that you wanted to give more. But trust me, you being here everytime i needed someone, just makes my heart feels like there's more beautiful things out there in the world that i haven't realize. I know that you're not good at giving advices and sometimes when you try, it just makes me laugh. But that's what i want, a person trying to be what i'm hoping for, a friend. I'm hoping you can come to Melbourne, it will be great. And 2 weeks time left in Kuching, haih. 2 months just whooosh past. If you still don't know who you are, you memang still blur. You're that girl who said i look like Harry Potter during Pri School. -.-

And we been friends since Pri school. All those ups and downs. Haha. I'm glad we met up with Sam and Kev and Ian. And how we brought up all those silly moments in Pri School. That 5 years gap of not seeing all 3 of them and we still talk like that 5 years never happened. Haih. I remembered i had a crush on you. I never regretted i like you. Cause you're just amazing. I can tell the whole spring that i once like you if u dared me. Haha. Tell him, let him know that you are who you are. And trust me, he will like you. Get to know him first la. I know you're crazy over him. Being a stalker and all. I'm proud. Cause once you're in love, everything just turns into that someone.

I'm okay. That's all i'm saying. I admit sometimes i'm pretending, but i'm trying my very best. And don't ever say you're relying on me. Cause i'm relying on you to give me the best 2 weeks of my life here in Kuching. Tell me, tell me everything. :)

2011.

2010 went by so fast that goodbyes were too slow to catch it's eyes. 10 seconds before midnight, chanting of countdowns could be heard from all around Taiwan. And me, Gary, Dunstan and Ah Choong looked up to Taipei 101. Colours flying and explosions booming as everyone were in awe.

Taiwan welcomed us 2011 in explosions that i would never forget. Taiwan was fun. It's different from melbourne without the skyscrapers and angmos and english and expensive stuffs. Too many memories and laughters me, Gary, Dunstan and Ah Choong had. We went shopping. Temptations were always seducing us. With shoes i want to have and jackets i want to buy. 臭豆腐 was indeed 臭 and the 'Roti Canai' there was my favourite. :) Then there was one Risotto restaurant which has a dog there. A Golden Retriever! Cute as it watches us eating it's Risotto. Pictures in facebook. :)

There's beautiful girls all over the world. I could be chasing but my time would be wasted, they got nothing on you, girl. Indeed there were many. Then there was 罗志祥 in 西门叮. Hundreds of screaming fans stood with the cold wind as they watched him promoting his new book. And then me and Gary went into his shop : Stage. Love at first sight as i saw that purple sleeve kinda waving at me. Then my heart and my mind went like: You gotta have her.

Listen to The Maine - Saving Grace. With my head building up thoughts my heart knows that it just doesn't want to believe in. Having faith that one day, and maybe just one day it might happen. Sometimes wishing on airplanes or talking to the moon or betting with fate or birthday candles or a lucky penny are things we want to believe in cause deep inside us it means a lot to us. Risky to do it and i know consequences would always follow. I'm just a normal human being which by any case limited edition and like anyone else different from one another. But she's giving me feelings i feel not towards anyone else. Then it began with the falling apart. Things would be better if i were not terrified. She's slipping away.

"Why did you go so far away?

I have to know, if there's a way

this might change."

"I don't believe that anybody,

Feels the way i do about you now."

Guess for now like Justin Bieber says: Close my eyes and Pray.

Terrified Busy.

I only said it cause i mean it.
I only mean it cause it's true.
So don't you doubt what i've been dreaming.
Cause it fills me up and holds me close whenever i'm without you.

Me, Angel and Hugh sleeping in the car with the wind blowing through the open window and Joe Jonas's 'Gotta Find you' in the background. I miss Kuching. Everything's just simple. Simple is good. I guess i miss simplicity. Been kind of busy lately. With work, outings, music and then there's taiwan. But still, my blog is a place i would like to read when i want to relive the past. :)

I'd been here 1 month and i heard stories bout my friends' life changing. Where back in the old days, working or earning money was just in the future. But now we are practically pre-adults. Struggling to earn money. Friends who work only at night. Friends who already earned 4000$ a month. Friends who got kicked out of State cause of smuggling drugs. Friends who work because of their loved ones. We're growing up. But we're still friends. That's what not changing.

It's been great driving around Kuching. I feel old. Going around town. Meeting friends. Kuching produced a lot of restaurants and cafe. How does cheap and simple food can taste so good? Going through the past. I'm glad but somehow i feel empty.

And i'd been working too. Got a job working as a Maxis Broadband promoter. And my first day of work was in Sri Aman. Hahaha. Looking back, we did a lot of lying promoting to the Malays. We're not racist. It's just business. While me and Woon Shan just stand there handing out flyers. That 3 days were fun and tired. It's my first seeing Sri Aman and it was kampung-ish but the views were breath-taking. Mother Nature is no doubt beautiful. Memories that Terry, Woon Shan and I share. Just lepak in a place where our boss can't see us. 50sens hotdog. Eating clams. Bird-poop. Gossiping. Inside Jokes.

- "You think with the TV on and you messaging, I can sleep meh?" Then i straight sleep. Haha.
- It's okay. I come Sri Aman only teman you both sleep nia. Lian chou chou nia ma. You guys oso knt see.

My grandparents are getting old. But they're still cute because they're old. Haha. With my grandpa's hearing problem, we have to talk really loud with every eyes turn to you. He's memory is not that good too. Which made me have to answer the same questions everytime. My grandma still makes the best Kacang-ma. :) She still walks and eat like she's 20. I'm gonna miss them so much when i'm gone.

But can't say i don't miss Melbourne. With T9 being the hang-out spot of my gang. Where Pui Ping, Gary, Wesley would just come in my room like it's theirs. Waking up and looking at Yan Jie's sleeping face. Walking down to Melbourne Central. Complaining the movie tickets are too expensive. Complaining albert house's fried rice. Walking to Trinity early in the morning. Come to think of it, i can't believe i actually walk everyday in Melbourne.

With believes we sought to after,
With times we sought to gain,
Love and anger we thought
are always both the same.

I can't believe you're dat type of person. And i trusted you all this while. You shouldn't use love as a tool to fill up your loneliness. I'm just disappointed. Angry not at myself for trusting you but because you did it not only to me but on others. Don't stop believing in love. It is always betrayal and anger and jealousy that's pushing you away from it. Just stop. You're prince charming will come.

And this could be good,
it's already better than that.
And nothing is worse,
than knowing you're holding back.

I could be all that you need,
If you could let me try.

Been addicted to this song lately. It's just the whole song just kind of fit of what i'm thinking. I'm in love and i'm terrified for the first time and the last time in my only life. I'm at the edge of my emotions, watching the shadows burning in the dark. Katharine Mcphee and Zachary Levi - Terrified.